Betas are in

So my last beta result came in and it's finally O. I'm so excited because we can finally move on to the next step. John and I are going in for our first series of bloodwork on Sept 19. After that, I will be scheduled for my HSG. We are leaving to Portugal in October for 2.5 weeks, so my Ob/Gyn is making sure that all tests are done before our departure. He's also hoping that we will receive the results before the trip. I'm really hoping that we will, so I can go on that trip, knowing what is going on and where we stand. After all the results are in, John and I will sit down with my Ob/Gyn and he will go over all the results with us and what our next step is. So hopefully within one month I will find the answer to why I had two miscarriages.

Welcome "30"

Wow, I can't believe it's my 30th birthday today, August 28. Where did my decade of 20s go? I can't believe how fast my 20s went by. It seems like the other day I just turned 20 and here it is 10 years later, and I'm officially 30. I feel the same, not a decade older. I always say that your age is just a number from the year you were born. What's important is how you feel inside, and you better believe it I feel like I'm 20 years old today. Don't they say that 30 is now the new 20s?

My wonderful husband who I love so much, has all ready taken me out to breakfast this morning. I'm meeting him for lunch and than he's taking me out to dinner tonight. I feel so blessed to have him in my life.

I always said I wanted to have a child by 30, and well here it is and definitely no child or expecting one either. Life doesn't happen the way we plan or the way we want it to be. That's something I definitely have learned in just this past year. But today I feel so happy with my life. I have a great husband, a loving family, and I know one day at 30 or 31 or whenever I will be blessed with a child.

Bring on 30!!!

I'm Back

So since the last time I wrote on my blog so much has happened in my life. On Monday, August 11, I finally tested at 19 DPO and got a BFP. John and I were so excited to see that pregnant word on the home pregnancy test, although we were always a little scared. I had had a miscarriage back in December, so we knew that at any moment that could be a possibility. It's weird that in life, you can't celebrate the good news right away because your afraid what could happened. So I schedule my first pre-natal appointment which was in 11 days.

On Saturday, after driving 3 hours down to NY to visit my in-laws, I went to the bathroom and saw a small drop of blood. I immediately freaked out because I knew damn well what that spotting could mean. I became neurotic all day and all weekend. I was constantly going to the bathroom to see if it would get worse. By Sunday afternoon the spotting got worse and worse and it started turning bright red. At that moment I knew that my pregnancy had come to an end, and I had to except miscarriage number 2.

I have a long journey ahead of me now with testing to begin. My Ob/gyn is now scheduling me for a bunch of tests to see if he can figure out why I have had 2 miscarriages. I feel like everything happens for a reason, and I feel like my time to become a mother has not arrived. I'm ready to start my testing because John and I just want to get to the bottom of this and figure out what is wrong with me. John will also be tested now. I just want to get answers to what is going on. I'm ready to except the good and the bad news.

My betas are dropping but I have to go for my last bloodwork tomorrow morning. I'm hoping by tomorrow they will be down to 0 so we can start my series of tests.

I'm ready to move on.

The Due Date

So here it is today, August 5, my due date if I had never miscarried. Ironically, I'm feeling pretty good today. I think it helps that it has been 9 months and throughout that time I have completely healed. Of course I still think about it from time to time, but overall, time has healed my wound. Although I feel good, it's hard to think that during these 9 months, I have not conceived. I never thought that my due date would arrive, and I still would not be pregnant. This is definitely the worst part of today but I think of the good things that I have enjoyed this summer since I'm not pregnant. Drinking my favorite summer alcohol drinks for one has not been a problem and it feels good to know I can still loose those extra pounds that I have gained. Of course as today passes along, I will be thinking; would my baby have all ready arrived? Would I of been late? Would it have been a boy or a girl? But I know it wasn't meant to be and I know one day my due date will arrive, and I will have my baby in my arms.

Another Irregular Cycle

So here it is, CD 29 and no O. I have had, what seems like an eternity of fertile mucus, but no temp spike to confirm it. I have also had O pains, and nothing. If I didn't see the mucus or feel signs of O approaching, it wouldn't bother me as much. But I honestly feel like, my body is playing tricks on me. I know I am not actively TTC, but all I want is a regular cycle. One that is less that 40 days, how hard is that? So even if I O today on CD 29 and add 14 days, I will have a 43 day cycle, which is irregular. I hate waiting to O because day after day I see that my cycle is slowly becoming irregular. The only good thing about my cycles, is that I always have at least a 14 day LP. I guess someone can't have everything negative. So in the meantime I'm trying to stay positive and see how the rest of the months will go and I always ask myself will this be my last irregular cycle?

In the meantime, two weeks ago I joined a gym. Besides putting on 15 lbs during the winter, I felt it was time to do something different and productive. I've always hated doing any type of exercising; going for walks, bike riding, especially going to the gym to workout. But I have completely changed to the point I don't recognize myself. I have been going to the gym five times a week and working out for at least one hour every day. I am now doing Yoga, Pilates, and other cardio classes. I'm so motivated to go to that gym Monday through Friday, it's amazing. Although it's only been two weeks, I have seen some changes. My legs are becoming a little firmer, I have also been sleeping better and just feeling better in general. I'm also hoping that this will help regulate my cycles. I'm so proud of myself.

Weekend with John

Well it's Friday and who doesn't love Fridays? Having two days off from work and knowing I can sleep in always gets me excited.

But today is a different Friday from the others, John will be away all weekend. I have to say that in the 3 1/2 years that we have been married, we probably have been separated maybe 5 times at most. So of course I'll be missing him very much. He's going to New Hampshire to spend a "guys weekend" with his uncles and cousins. I know he will have fun, so that makes me happy.

So what will I do this weekend as a single lady? Tonight I'm going out with my friend and her friends and we are going to party!!! We are all going out to dinner and than we are going to a nightclub. The weirdest part about going to a nightclub is that I can finally see that I don't look 21 years old anymore. I realize that those we are 21 or so look much younger than what I do. I guess it's time to realize that yes, I will be 30 in a few more weeks.

The next few days after the miscarriage

So on Sunday night we drove back home to Massachusetts. John stopped at a Trader Joe's to pick up our favorite nuts for out oatmeal and I stayed in the car. When he got to the car he was carrying a dozen of red roses (my favorite) and a Christmas plant in his hands. As he got inside the car he gave them to me and said, I just want you to know how much I love you!!! I just burst into tears again and hugged him so much. He truly is the best husband!!! When I called my Ob/Gyn on Saturday to report the spotting that still wanted me to go in on Monday morning and to bring all the paper work from the hospital in NY. When I got there, I was told that the appointment was just for b/w. I told them that I didn't need any more b/w done on me, I knew that I had a miscarriage, and all I wanted was to talk to the Dr. I had never met this doctor before so I wasn't sure what to expect. Would he see me although he never met me? Would he even make time to see a new patient on a day I didn't have an apointment? Well the receptionist was so nice to me and said that indeed he was in and was going to see if he could talk to me. About 5 minuts after waiting in the waiting room, she called my name and said that yes the doctor would see me in his office. I walked in to his office and started talking to him about everything. The irregular cycles, the pregnancy, the bronchitis, the miscarriage, reasons why I could of miscarried. Talking to him was like talking to my best friend. He just sat in listen to every thing I was saying. We talked for about 20 minutes. I walked out of that office with the biggest smile on my face because I realized I had a great doctor. Here I was walking in there, with no appointment and yet he was willing to see me and take the time out to talk to me. I went to the lab for more b/w and was sent for an ultrasound. Two days later my doctor calls me and tells me that everything was normal in my b/w but he strongly recommended me to wait 3 months before TTC. He also wanted me to go in for more b/w on CD 3, CD 10, and CD 21. After a month and a half of good b/w results, I saw him again in his office and he told me, he saw no reason why we should wait. I had the green light to try again. Well that was the easist part, now I just had to wait until my body was ready to ovulate. Day after day, week after week, and no sign of ovulating. In mid February I had some spotting and when I called my dr he said it was mid-cycle spotting from an annovultory cycle. He sure was right. About two weeks after my body decided to O. So ever since January we have been TTC but my body has still been irregular so we have not had any luck. I finally decided in late June that it was time to give my body a rest from all this TTC. I have now been irregular for one year. I'm going to Portugal in October to visit my family and I just need to stop thinking about TTC for a while. In the meantime my goal is to see if I can get my body to O at a regular time. So TTC will begin again in October.