Twilight & Thanksgiving

Last night as many of you know, I went to go see Twilight and I have to say I really enjoyed it. There was obviously many scenes deleted and I always feel that the book is so much better, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the little cliff hanger at the end. John really liked it too. I kept telling him it was about vampires and I have no clue what he thought the movie was going to be about. He said he really enjoyed it and he like the whole plot. Now I feel like re-reading the book.

I just want to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!!!! If you will be traveling, have a safe trip!!! John and I are traveling this afternoon. We are driving down to New York to spend Thanksgiving with his family. His step-sister just bought a house this past spring, and she's hosting the dinner tomorrow. It will be nice to see the family since I haven't seen them since the summer. Friday we both have to work, so we will be leaving New York very early to make it on time.

I feel very blessed and thankful this year. I'm thankful for my lovable family and husband, for my health, for my home, and for all the good things in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!

CD 1

She has finally arrived!!! CD 1 is here. I'm SO excited because FINALLY I get to TTC this month. I feel so ready for this again. I think one of the good things that has come in this one year, is that I feel more ready for this today than ever before. I know we both feel this way.

I'm also going to see the movie Twilight tonight!!! It's a good day today.

Hope everyone is enjoy their day.

I Broke Down

Ever since this whole TTC began a year ago, I had my first break down on Saturday afternoon.

It all started after John and I left Church. The readings at Mass were all about giving back to people and how we should help each other out. When we left, we discussed them for a little bit and John said, see you shouldn't feel jealous of anyone. He got the hint about two weeks ago that I am/was a little jealous of his step-sister. I have NEVER been jealous of anyone but I was a little jealous of her lately. Why? Because she got her BFP right around the same time I got mine. What happened to me? I miscarried. And her? She's still carrying. Not to long ago I logged onto her baby registry and saw that her due date was/is exactly one day after what mine would of been. I know they TTC for a few months before the BFP, but nonetheless I felt sad that I had miscarried for the second time. And why couldn't that be me with? Why couldn't I still be pregnant?

We came home, sat on the couch, and I completely broke down. I normally am a strong person, and my positive thoughts that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be is, normally gets me through the tough times. But I need to let all the pain out and all my feelings out. I cried for awhile, while John just held me in his arms. I told him what a year it's been, that I've gone through a lot, not only with the miscarriages but also with my diagnosis of my double mutation, homozygous of the MTHFR, and everything. I can't tell you how good it felt to let all those emotions out of me. Not once throughout this whole year have I done that. I always tried to be strong and I did a great job until Saturday night. I think for once, John really saw how I felt and feel about this whole process. I feel so relieved, like a weight has been lifted off of me. He just kept hugging me and telling me how much he loved me.

I'm trying really hard to not be jealous of his step-sister. I'm thinking how happy she must be feeling knowing she will have a baby soon. I think if that was me I would want people to be happy for me. I will be seeing her on Thanksgiving Day with her baby bump, I'm sure, but every time I feel a slight jealousy in me, I will be praying for her and her baby. I don't want to feel like this, and I know I can get over it. I know my time will arrive.

I still haven't gotten AF. Not sure if I'm having another 15 day LP or if I perhaps O'ed a day later than what I thought. We are both SO excited to TTC this month. This whole TTC process has really brought us closer to each other.

I've been tagged

Answer the following with one word:

Where is your cell phone? Purse
Where is your significant other? Office
Hair color? Brown
Your mother? Generous
Your father? Lovable
Your favorite thing? Family
Your dream last night? Scary
Your dream/goal? Mother
The room you’re in? Living
Your hobby? Cooking
Your fear? Death
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
Where were you last night? Home
What you’re not? Lefty
One of your wish-list items? Children
Where you grew up? MA
The last thing you did? Eat
What are you wearing? Sweats
Your TV? LCD
Your pet? Niklas
Your computer? desktop
Your mood? Okay
Missing someone? Yes
Favorite store? Clothing
Our summer? Quick
Love someone? Family
Your favorite color? Pink
When is the last time you laughed? Today
Last time you cried? Today

And now I'll tag the following: Chica, RedRose, AMG, Amanda, Lindsey (LTF525). Go!

Baby Clothes

My parents and grandmother arrived from Portugal Friday night and I couldn't be happier. Especially my grandmother who is here for the holidays. My parents live here in the U.S. with me, but my grandmother doesn't nor does my sister and nephews. I just have to wait a few more weeks and than my sister, nephews, and BIL will arrive for the holidays as well. I absolutely love this time of the year. I love Christmas, especially when my family is all here.

My sister has been saving most of my nephew's clothes for me, so I always knew that once I have a baby, I would have lots of clothes from my nephews. The first time I got a BFP, I had told her she could bring the clothes with her because I would be needing them in 9 months. After my m/c she obviously didn't bring the clothes and ever since I never asked her for them. While I was in Portugal, since my family knows I'm TTC, I told her I would like to have the clothes. I'm hoping this feeling I had inside of me to ask her, is a good sign. So Friday night my parents brought me a suitcase full of baby clothes. I had no idea she had that much stuff. I went through some stuff and they are so adorable although mostly everything is blue. I now have a full wardrobe for the baby. I have just about everything from onesies, pajamas, jeans, overall, clothes, even coats. I called my sister yesterday and thanked her for all the clothes and of course told her how adorable everything is. All I need is a BFP and a sticky baby.

Early O date???

I have been debating for awhile now about my O date for this cycle. First, I have had irregular cycles for a year. Second, after being on bcp for so long, I forgot what my normal cycles were like, although they were regular for the first few months after bcp. Third, I find it to be a miracle that I could of possibly O'ed early. Could it possibly be that my cycles are becoming regular?

I have changed a lot in the past few months. Before my second m/c I charted, always drank regular coffee, always had a glass or two of wine with my meals, on the weekends I would have manhattans and martinis, I didn't exercise and had irregular cycles. While doing all these things and TTC, I would of never given up these habits until I saw a BFP. Why change when your not pg? Well everything changed after my second m/c.

I started thinking maybe these somewhat "bad" habits were effecting me more than I thought. The first month I started charting and throughout my charting months I was ALWAYS irregular. I started thinking what else was I doing that I wasn't doing before. I really took time and examined my life and what I was doing. So the day finally came that I decided it was time to put an end. My new changes have been drinking decaf coffee even on the weekends now, I don't drink anything with caffeine, I don't drink alcohol anymore not even a glass of wine, I stopped charting, I began exercising, and things started changing in my body. My cycles were starting to change from irregular to regular. Could it be that these changes had that much effect on my cycles and on my body? My August cycle, which was my m/c was 36 days. My September cycle was 33 days.

Well this cycle seems to be heading in the same direction, regular. I started getting fertile cm on CD 9, which for me is way to early. I started seeing more and more each day. I had my HSG on CD 13 and that totally changed my cm. On CD 14 I started to feel some aches on my ovary, similar to O pains but not that intense. I was sure it was probably aches from the HSG. Well the aches continue and so did the cm. On CD 16 I decided I needed some confirmation of what was going on. I took my temp and was surprised to see a post O temp. It was a low post temp, so it could of been a very high pre O temp as well. The following day I did again, and again it was higher. I took my temp for 5 days straight in a row and I got 5 days of increasing higher temps. So after looking at that, I can pretty much say I probably O'ed on CD 15 which is a MIRACLE for me. The girl who was irregular for a year? The one that had a 61 day cycle? I just have to wait for AF to arrive to confirm it 100%. Could it possibly be that my new changes are changing my cycles that much? I just hope they stay like this next cycle when I begin TTC. I have to say I'm so excited that I'm regular for the 3rd cycle in a row. I really feel like this is a miracle. I honestly feel that certain things that we do in our daily life can significantly change us. Come on AF hurry up so I can start TTC!!!

Weekend

I had a nice relaxing weekend. Ever since we have been back from vacation we have spent our weekends at home doing absolutely nothing. It's been so nice to just relax, take it easy, and not have plans. I have had to work the past two Saturday's, so I'm looking forward to having this Saturday off.

I am taking my antibiotic prescribed to me after my HSG. Well, I'm not doing good with them. I have had 3 out of the 4 side effects. The side effects listed are; upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, and headaches. The headaches is the only thing I haven't had. I even vomited on Saturday after taking them. At that point I was ready to throw them in the garbage. Who wants to take medicine to feel like crap. I can understand if I was sick and needed them, but to take them as a precaution. So I've learned that they work best when taking on an empty stomach. The last two times haven't been bad. I'm also having some aches around my ovaries, not sure if it's from the HSG or if it's O pains. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

On Saturday John and I went out to lunch and than went for a nice walk. It felt really good to be outside and breathing in fresh air. In the afternoon we went to church. We had not gone in awhile, so it felt really good to go. I always compare church to the gym. You never feel like going, but once your done, it feels good. I felt I wanted to talk to God and help me through this TTC journey. At times I find myself being jealous of pregnant women, and that is not my character at all. I just want to be a mom and be pregnant that I wish I was the one. It's been a LONG one year of TTC and I don't know how much longer I have. So it felt good to talk to God about all my feelings inside and ask him to continue giving me the strength to go on.

HSG - DONE

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their comments and their well wishes, I greatly appreciate. You have no idea how much it meant to me to see that you all were going to think of me today, Thank you SO much!!!

My HSG is done and I feel so relieved and happy right now! I got to the hospital and was taken up to Radiology. I was called in immediately and they started to prepare me. My Ob/Gyn walked in and talked with me for a few minutes. He wanted to know how I was feeling and he also asked about my vacation. The prep work took about 10 minutes but the HSG took literally 3 minutes. It was so quick it was over before I knew it. They did recommend to take two advils an hour before the procedure. I normally have a good tolerance for pain, so I decided not to take the advil, and I'm so glad I didn't. I have to say that the HSG didn't hurt at all, not even when he was inserting the dye. He did mention that I might feel a little cramping, but I felt no cramping, no pain, nothing. It was so easy for me that I would do it again.

The results; everything looks great. My uterus looks great and my tubes are completely clear. So after seeing the results, my ob/gyn confirmed that in deed my two miscarriages were caused by my blood clotting disorder MTHFR.

He does want me to wait until next month to start TTC, which is fine with me. So this is my last month of TTA,yay!!! I'm really excited to start TTC again next month. He also said once I get a BFP,to call him right away and to speak with him directly. He will get me in right away to see me and will be checking my betas every other day for a 1.5 week. I'm glad he's taking this aggressive approach with me. Knowing my betas right from the start and knowing them for almost two weeks will give me peace of mind and will also tell me in which direction my pregnancy will go. Right now, I feel so happy. I'm relieved to know the results of my HSG. Hopefully the MTHFR is also somewhat under control with my pnv, high dosage of folic acid and my baby aspirin a day, so I'm hoping and praying BFP #3 is the one.

Once again thank you girls for all your support and well wishes!!!

2nd Pre-HSG Appointment

So here I went this morning again for my 2nd Pre-HSG appointment. I hope this was my second and last appointment. Let's keep our fingers crossed that my HSG will be performed tomorrow morning. I went in for the usual, b/w to see if I'm pregnant, fill out paperwork, and receive my authorization form for tomorrow. My HSG is schedule for tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. I have to be at the hospital for 8:00 a.m. to probably fill out more paperwork. I am my Ob/Gyn's first patient so hopefully it will be performed. The nurse checked to see if he is on call tomorrow, and his the second dr, so she said it shouldn't be a problem. Let's hope not. I really want to get this done with so I can start TTC this month. I asked the nurse if I will receive the results tomorrow and she said yes, after the procedure he will tell me the results. After being diagnosed with MTHFR, my Ob/Gyn is pretty confident that my HSG will come back clear. I will keep you all posted tomorrow on how it went and the results.

TTC Anniversary

It's officially been one year since we started our TTC journey. What was our progress in one year? Two BFPs, Two Miscarriages, 5 cycles of TTC, lots of blood work, and a MTHFR diagnoses. I remember talking to John last October about our decision to add a family member. We talked and envisioned what it would be like to have a baby and how excited we were to begin trying. But, here we are one year later and the dream has been crushed twice. No one is ever prepare to deal with infertility when you hop on the TTC journey. I never thought, and I don't think anyone does, that it can take this long to conceive. You hear about other people's stories of infertility, but you never think that perhaps it could happen to you, boy has that changed! I feel like anything could happen to anyone.

In one year, TTC has consumed me more than I ever thought it could. There has been times where I feel that I'm obsessed with the idea of TTC. I remember looking at clothes and not wanting to buy them hoping I would be in maternity clothes soon and looking at future dates and thinking I might be pregnant by then. It put a stop in my life to buy and do what I wanted to do and all this for absolutely nothing. If there is one thing I learned, I live life one day at a time. I no longer want to look at future dates and think I might be pregnant or not wanting to buy a new outfit thinking I might be in maternity clothes soon. I don't want TTC to stop my life as it did in the past.

Today, I have mixed emotions about my journey. I'm sad and happy at the same time. I'm sad to realize that after a year I'm still not a mother. I think about my first BFP and if I had never miscarried my child would of been almost 3 months. I think about my second BFP and how quick that ended as well. I think about how frustrating my long endless cycles were and how in one year I was only given 5 opportunities to try. On the other hand, I'm happy because I was able to fly to Portugal and spend 2.5 amazing weeks with my family. I had been wanting that vacation so bad, and I thank God that I was able to go. Because of my history with recurrent miscarriages, my Ob/Gyn will not let me fly during my first trimester, so it just made it extra special. My relationship with John has grown so much stronger as we battle with infertility. I've learned so much about my body and about MTHFR. I have matured in one year and I've realized how much more I will cherish and appreciate pregnancy.

I don't know how much longer it will take for me to conceive or if I will conceive at all. One thing I know for sure, is that it could take months before anything happens. I have my HSG this coming Friday, Nov 7 and we will see where it goes from here on. Currently, I'm not TTC because we are waiting for my HSG. I'm hoping that once that is done I'll be back on. In the meantime, I'm enjoying everyday of my life. I like the fact that I'm still not charting and I don't know if I will go back. For me, not charting has been much more relaxing. I'm still taking my 6 daily pills which consist of 1 PNV, 1 baby aspirin, and 4 folic acid. I'm still drinking decaf coffee, eliminating alcohol, and doing all the "good stuff." They say third is a charm so I'm hoping that the 3rd BFP will be the one.