I Broke Down

Ever since this whole TTC began a year ago, I had my first break down on Saturday afternoon.

It all started after John and I left Church. The readings at Mass were all about giving back to people and how we should help each other out. When we left, we discussed them for a little bit and John said, see you shouldn't feel jealous of anyone. He got the hint about two weeks ago that I am/was a little jealous of his step-sister. I have NEVER been jealous of anyone but I was a little jealous of her lately. Why? Because she got her BFP right around the same time I got mine. What happened to me? I miscarried. And her? She's still carrying. Not to long ago I logged onto her baby registry and saw that her due date was/is exactly one day after what mine would of been. I know they TTC for a few months before the BFP, but nonetheless I felt sad that I had miscarried for the second time. And why couldn't that be me with? Why couldn't I still be pregnant?

We came home, sat on the couch, and I completely broke down. I normally am a strong person, and my positive thoughts that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be is, normally gets me through the tough times. But I need to let all the pain out and all my feelings out. I cried for awhile, while John just held me in his arms. I told him what a year it's been, that I've gone through a lot, not only with the miscarriages but also with my diagnosis of my double mutation, homozygous of the MTHFR, and everything. I can't tell you how good it felt to let all those emotions out of me. Not once throughout this whole year have I done that. I always tried to be strong and I did a great job until Saturday night. I think for once, John really saw how I felt and feel about this whole process. I feel so relieved, like a weight has been lifted off of me. He just kept hugging me and telling me how much he loved me.

I'm trying really hard to not be jealous of his step-sister. I'm thinking how happy she must be feeling knowing she will have a baby soon. I think if that was me I would want people to be happy for me. I will be seeing her on Thanksgiving Day with her baby bump, I'm sure, but every time I feel a slight jealousy in me, I will be praying for her and her baby. I don't want to feel like this, and I know I can get over it. I know my time will arrive.

I still haven't gotten AF. Not sure if I'm having another 15 day LP or if I perhaps O'ed a day later than what I thought. We are both SO excited to TTC this month. This whole TTC process has really brought us closer to each other.