TTC Anniversary

It's officially been one year since we started our TTC journey. What was our progress in one year? Two BFPs, Two Miscarriages, 5 cycles of TTC, lots of blood work, and a MTHFR diagnoses. I remember talking to John last October about our decision to add a family member. We talked and envisioned what it would be like to have a baby and how excited we were to begin trying. But, here we are one year later and the dream has been crushed twice. No one is ever prepare to deal with infertility when you hop on the TTC journey. I never thought, and I don't think anyone does, that it can take this long to conceive. You hear about other people's stories of infertility, but you never think that perhaps it could happen to you, boy has that changed! I feel like anything could happen to anyone.

In one year, TTC has consumed me more than I ever thought it could. There has been times where I feel that I'm obsessed with the idea of TTC. I remember looking at clothes and not wanting to buy them hoping I would be in maternity clothes soon and looking at future dates and thinking I might be pregnant by then. It put a stop in my life to buy and do what I wanted to do and all this for absolutely nothing. If there is one thing I learned, I live life one day at a time. I no longer want to look at future dates and think I might be pregnant or not wanting to buy a new outfit thinking I might be in maternity clothes soon. I don't want TTC to stop my life as it did in the past.

Today, I have mixed emotions about my journey. I'm sad and happy at the same time. I'm sad to realize that after a year I'm still not a mother. I think about my first BFP and if I had never miscarried my child would of been almost 3 months. I think about my second BFP and how quick that ended as well. I think about how frustrating my long endless cycles were and how in one year I was only given 5 opportunities to try. On the other hand, I'm happy because I was able to fly to Portugal and spend 2.5 amazing weeks with my family. I had been wanting that vacation so bad, and I thank God that I was able to go. Because of my history with recurrent miscarriages, my Ob/Gyn will not let me fly during my first trimester, so it just made it extra special. My relationship with John has grown so much stronger as we battle with infertility. I've learned so much about my body and about MTHFR. I have matured in one year and I've realized how much more I will cherish and appreciate pregnancy.

I don't know how much longer it will take for me to conceive or if I will conceive at all. One thing I know for sure, is that it could take months before anything happens. I have my HSG this coming Friday, Nov 7 and we will see where it goes from here on. Currently, I'm not TTC because we are waiting for my HSG. I'm hoping that once that is done I'll be back on. In the meantime, I'm enjoying everyday of my life. I like the fact that I'm still not charting and I don't know if I will go back. For me, not charting has been much more relaxing. I'm still taking my 6 daily pills which consist of 1 PNV, 1 baby aspirin, and 4 folic acid. I'm still drinking decaf coffee, eliminating alcohol, and doing all the "good stuff." They say third is a charm so I'm hoping that the 3rd BFP will be the one.